Scared to "Death"

At my annual doctor's appointment on Thursday morning, I was told that their was an abnormal thickness in my breast.  I heard her say it, but I didn't digest it.  Things moved very quickly - "we'll move your mammogram up"; "if there's something questionable there an ultrasound will be done immediately."

With the mammogram scheduled for 8:30 the following morning I left.  As I drove home, my day off - sushi with the boys, afternoon with the Godchildren, margaritas with my friends - didn't seem half as exciting as it had only an hour earlier.  My very first thought as I pulled onto Greenville Ave. was to call Charlie, he'd say the right thing.  Then I remembered.  I couldn't call him, he was gone.  I could talk to him but he wouldn't answer.   Those thoughts brought back the flood of memories of the phone call when he told me he was sick.  He didn't know much, but thought it was cancer and it didn't look good.

At this point I was sitting in a parking lot, using that MD I earned from Google.  According to Google, it didn't look very positive for me.  I didn't know what to do, I didn't know who to turn to.  At some point, logical reason kicked in.  I didn't know anything.  There was nothing I could do until I knew what it was.  I did my best to go on about my day as planned.  I ate more sushi than I needed to, spoiled K and C with milkshakes at dinnertime when I should have gotten them smoothies (and then promptly left them on their sugar high with their parents), and went to Glorias for many needed margaritas.

Nothing in this world prepares you for the aloneness that you feel when you are waiting for news.  The ultrasound over, the technician left the room (after taking careful measurements on the computer) stating that the radiologist would be in shortly.  I layed on that table crying in fear.  I was so alone.  There was no one with me.  All these thoughts went through my head - what would happen, how could I afford this, what would I tell my parents.

I was one of the lucky ones to leave that office last Friday.  I have cysts, nothing out of the ordinary.  How many women were not that lucky?   What must have been going through their minds?  How scared were they? 

Whoever is reading this, please remember that life is so, so, so short.  You're guaranteed nothing.  Forgive the people you need to forgive, spend time with your parents, brothers and sisters, do the things you've always wanted to do but don't think you have time for.  Don't wait until it's too late.