My Last Hope

Katie called today.  It makes my whole day when my phone rings with her mom's number and on the other end I hear a high squeaky voice say "Hi Aunt Mary!" (her r's are better it used to be Mawee).  Some days the calls are to tell me her latest news, give me free 8 year old advice and sometimes it's just to see what I'm doing.  Not today.  Today she has made a decision for me. 

After a shopping trip to Charming Charlie with her mom, she's decided that I need to get married.  And soon it seems as her parting words were "make it snappy."

This is the only person in the world who was on my side when I said that I didn't need anybody in my life.  This is the girl who for years now has said that I cannot get married.  For a long time I wasn't even allowed to have a boyfriend.  She was my excuse when people would ask me why I wasn't married - "Oh I can't, Katie won't let me get married."

One pair of white sparkly shoes and some jewelery and her whole mind has been changed.  Now I must get married so that she can be flower girl.  She wants to wear white sparkly shoes, have diamonds and wear a beautiful dress (let's remember that it's supposed to be the bride's day but she doesn't see it that way).  

How funny to see her grow up and change her attitude about things.  How sad to see her grow up.  She's the closest thing I have to my own daughter.  She is a beautfiul, kind hearted, brilliant, animal loving child.  She doesn't have a mean bone in her body.  Everything with her is kittens, horses, rainbows and peace.  The one thing she never concerned herself with was boys.  I fear that it won't be long now before those phone calls begin to come in.  Probably from her own phone, not her mom's. 

And I'll listen.  And smile.  When she's 16, it will still make my day to hear her voice.  I can't wait for her to have all of the adventures that this life has in store for her. 

I'd go on, but my eyes are welling up thinking about her at 16.  For now I need to go get ready to go out because I have a date tonight.  Katie wants me to get married so she can be a flowergirl and I always give her what she wants (and she knows it!).

Scared to "Death"

At my annual doctor's appointment on Thursday morning, I was told that their was an abnormal thickness in my breast.  I heard her say it, but I didn't digest it.  Things moved very quickly - "we'll move your mammogram up"; "if there's something questionable there an ultrasound will be done immediately."

With the mammogram scheduled for 8:30 the following morning I left.  As I drove home, my day off - sushi with the boys, afternoon with the Godchildren, margaritas with my friends - didn't seem half as exciting as it had only an hour earlier.  My very first thought as I pulled onto Greenville Ave. was to call Charlie, he'd say the right thing.  Then I remembered.  I couldn't call him, he was gone.  I could talk to him but he wouldn't answer.   Those thoughts brought back the flood of memories of the phone call when he told me he was sick.  He didn't know much, but thought it was cancer and it didn't look good.

At this point I was sitting in a parking lot, using that MD I earned from Google.  According to Google, it didn't look very positive for me.  I didn't know what to do, I didn't know who to turn to.  At some point, logical reason kicked in.  I didn't know anything.  There was nothing I could do until I knew what it was.  I did my best to go on about my day as planned.  I ate more sushi than I needed to, spoiled K and C with milkshakes at dinnertime when I should have gotten them smoothies (and then promptly left them on their sugar high with their parents), and went to Glorias for many needed margaritas.

Nothing in this world prepares you for the aloneness that you feel when you are waiting for news.  The ultrasound over, the technician left the room (after taking careful measurements on the computer) stating that the radiologist would be in shortly.  I layed on that table crying in fear.  I was so alone.  There was no one with me.  All these thoughts went through my head - what would happen, how could I afford this, what would I tell my parents.

I was one of the lucky ones to leave that office last Friday.  I have cysts, nothing out of the ordinary.  How many women were not that lucky?   What must have been going through their minds?  How scared were they? 

Whoever is reading this, please remember that life is so, so, so short.  You're guaranteed nothing.  Forgive the people you need to forgive, spend time with your parents, brothers and sisters, do the things you've always wanted to do but don't think you have time for.  Don't wait until it's too late.